Mr. C.O.

Okay I'll confess I was (am) having a bit of a dating slump. I seem to attract guys that are too young for me, are short and look like Budda, or have a wife/girlfriend/fiance. So me getting tired of not going out discussed the situation with one of my homegirls. We thought that I had to get out of my comfort zone (which I don't have - cause I ain't comfortable with youngins, chubby, or taken men). So we came up with - nah let me be honest - I came up with the brilliant idea of me trying on-line dating. I signed up with two sites: E-Harmony and Match.com. I was a bit excited to be honest - I was figuring my dating life would pick up and I would have my social calendar set for months to come. SIKE my mind. It was very slow going - very slow.

Let me just say this about E-Harmony - it's for Saltines not for sistas. They were pairing me with the plainest white dudes ever. Now I don't have anything against interracial dating (well let me stop lying, he needs to be FINE and got his stuff together for me to even consider crossing), but damn these dudes were PITIFUL!!!!!!!! The one brotha they matched me with lived in Maryland somewhere. He was cute a pretty boy type (probably a Kappa) but we didn't connect. So needless to say when my 3 month subscription came to an end so did my dealings with E-Harmony.

With Match I thought I'd have a better chance at meeting someone close by and interesting cause after all NYC is the capital of the world. Wrong! What is wrong with dudes. Do you guys know how stupid most of you sound on your profiles? I think some must have ridden the short yellow bus to school and had classes in the basement (if you don't know what I'm talking about about, I mean Special Ed students in the retarded lacking social skills sense). I used to log on to get my laugh on for the day. Okay so I see this one profile of this dude - Mr. MTA. He sounded interesting.... We email and communicate for a bit. He finally asks me out. I was like okay it's been a minute, plus I give my homegirl all his information in case. We were set to go out on a Saturday at noon. He sets up everything - I just need to know where we were going to meet. This dude stood me up. Never called, never emailed, nothing. Okay I say to myself - don't get discouraged. Sometimes you have to go through the bad one to fine the good one.

Well the next one I communicated with by email seemed cool. A male nurse. I was thinking - okay "resuscitate me!" He was cute, had a job with benefits..... So we decided to exchange cell phone number. Oh MY Goodness - I couldn't understand anything he said. His accent was soooooooo thick. I don't even know what his name was - it was that bad. All I know is that he was Haitian, and I was a bit afraid for a moment. How could I tell him that I couldn't understand him and not be rude. I didn't want him to put any "roots" on my ass. So I just umm hmm him the entire time and next timed he called I just lied and said that I was getting back with my (non-existent) boyfriend.

But that wasn't the end to my on-line dating. I started communicating with this C.O.. He had the nicest smile. I love a nice smile and nice teeth. His voice was deep like BarryWhite. Okay I'm real interested now. Let me cut to the chase. We meet for the first time at Barnes and Nobles. Okay a nice public place - cool. The conversation was good. I we had things in common. Okay second date if you call B&N a first date (I didn't). We were suppose to go to a movie, but he wanted to look in a store first. Okay no problem the clothes store was right in the same shopping mall as the movie theater. He decided he doesn't want to go to the movie, okay not big deal - let's grab a bite to eat. We go to Applebees right in in the same mall. This dude was so picky about everything, from where we sat to how the food was cooked and how much the check was for. Now being that it was our first time breaking bread together I didn't go buck wild with ordering (how could you on applebees menu), but let's be real - we ordered 2 appetizers to share - how much could all of that come to? And to top it off I offered to pay the tip and he was like SURE. It gets worse. We go out a third time to Boulder Creek. We are sitting at the bar. Again we only order appetizer ( wasn't about to order anything I wasn't willing to pay for myself). So the conversation was going okay. By this time I was doing more listening and watching cause my "radar" was signaling something ain't right. He kept trying to put his hand on my leg and rub my thigh. Wrong move. I just met him and I was keeping that personal perimeter of at least 1 foot between us. So it was obvious when he was trying. He finally tired to turn my bar stool to face more directly and in doing so this jerk pulls my jacket to turn me. As he moves his hand away he brushes his right hand across my left breast. YUCK (it still gives me the chills now when I think about it). VIOLATION. Then this jerk had the nerve to laugh - that's when I knew without a doubt he meant to do it. I asked him what was wrong with him and did he really think I was going to be okay with what he did. He just laughed and said "what, what's wrong?' He knew - asshole!!!!! And to top it off he sat there when the bill came. I ended up paying the $17 bill cause all I wanted at the point was to get as far away form him as possible. I didn't feel threatened just creeped out.

so needless to say that is the extent to my online dating experiences. No more for me. Shoot I think I'm going to have to start asking for references.