Here I Am

HERE I AM 4/30/99

What’s that you say
You don’t know me
Don’t recognize me
Shh – it’s more like you just ignore me
I’ve been here all along
Biding time – Waiting
You heard me – waiting
Umm hmm, I’m tired
Sick and tired of wanting you to acknowledge me
Me and all that I am, was and ever will be
You have tried to strip me of everything possible
Education, goods, services and even a good man
But you know what?
There are two things you can’t take from me
No matter how hard you try
You can’t take them
My powerful voice and my beautiful brown skin
That’s right
You try to make these my liabilities
But they are my greatest assets
I know you admire my dark skin that I am in
Why else would you bake out in the sun for hours
You envy the intelligent and poetic words that flow from my full lips
So you continue to leave me out of my rightful place in society
Don’t get this sista started
I have had plenty of time to hone my skills to perfection
No longer am I willing to be pushed aside
I am taking charge of my future, my education, producing goods and services that I can be proud of
And no longer will I allow you to pit me against my man
I don’t think you heard me
Let me say it again a little bit louder
NO LONGER WIILL I ALLOW YOU TO PIT ME AGAINST MY MAN, MY GOOD MAN
My time is now
I will not be denied
You may try all you like
But you will not succeed
I won’t let you
My voice is too loud
my brown skin too radiant
So what’s that you say?

Why Phoenix?

March 2002 my life change. I would like to say for the better but the jury is still out on that. I was in a serious relationship that ended. I'll spare you all the details. In any event, with heartbreak comes much to get off your chest. So yes I had much to say.

I have alway written poetry and stuff since college, but I never took my liking of it seriously until the BREAKUP. I always thought I was somewhat creative and had a desire to "write" . In college only a few people knew I wrote poetry but I never really shared any of it. I was too shy to share that part of me and afraid that people wouldn't like it. Well that all changed. I felt I had gone through a change a metamorphosis, if you will. It was like the old me had died and a new and improved me was reborn. Now don't get it twisted, this change didn't happen over night. I'm still in the process of change, but you can believe I'm different now.

It's funny how some people can see you clearly before you can see yourself. A dear friend wrote me a note upon my arrival back to NY. It went something like this, "Do you know the significance you who you are? You are much like the Phoenix, a butterfly, the ugly duckling. There is a rebirth. A metamorphosis from one stage to another. One that is beautiful and fulfilling." Thanks DW - I love you.

That note is on my refrigerator. It reminds me everyday of who I am and all that will become. Adversity has made me reevaluate and rediscover myself. So that is why when I write I use Phoenix as my pen name.

Mr. C.O.

Okay I'll confess I was (am) having a bit of a dating slump. I seem to attract guys that are too young for me, are short and look like Budda, or have a wife/girlfriend/fiance. So me getting tired of not going out discussed the situation with one of my homegirls. We thought that I had to get out of my comfort zone (which I don't have - cause I ain't comfortable with youngins, chubby, or taken men). So we came up with - nah let me be honest - I came up with the brilliant idea of me trying on-line dating. I signed up with two sites: E-Harmony and Match.com. I was a bit excited to be honest - I was figuring my dating life would pick up and I would have my social calendar set for months to come. SIKE my mind. It was very slow going - very slow.

Let me just say this about E-Harmony - it's for Saltines not for sistas. They were pairing me with the plainest white dudes ever. Now I don't have anything against interracial dating (well let me stop lying, he needs to be FINE and got his stuff together for me to even consider crossing), but damn these dudes were PITIFUL!!!!!!!! The one brotha they matched me with lived in Maryland somewhere. He was cute a pretty boy type (probably a Kappa) but we didn't connect. So needless to say when my 3 month subscription came to an end so did my dealings with E-Harmony.

With Match I thought I'd have a better chance at meeting someone close by and interesting cause after all NYC is the capital of the world. Wrong! What is wrong with dudes. Do you guys know how stupid most of you sound on your profiles? I think some must have ridden the short yellow bus to school and had classes in the basement (if you don't know what I'm talking about about, I mean Special Ed students in the retarded lacking social skills sense). I used to log on to get my laugh on for the day. Okay so I see this one profile of this dude - Mr. MTA. He sounded interesting.... We email and communicate for a bit. He finally asks me out. I was like okay it's been a minute, plus I give my homegirl all his information in case. We were set to go out on a Saturday at noon. He sets up everything - I just need to know where we were going to meet. This dude stood me up. Never called, never emailed, nothing. Okay I say to myself - don't get discouraged. Sometimes you have to go through the bad one to fine the good one.

Well the next one I communicated with by email seemed cool. A male nurse. I was thinking - okay "resuscitate me!" He was cute, had a job with benefits..... So we decided to exchange cell phone number. Oh MY Goodness - I couldn't understand anything he said. His accent was soooooooo thick. I don't even know what his name was - it was that bad. All I know is that he was Haitian, and I was a bit afraid for a moment. How could I tell him that I couldn't understand him and not be rude. I didn't want him to put any "roots" on my ass. So I just umm hmm him the entire time and next timed he called I just lied and said that I was getting back with my (non-existent) boyfriend.

But that wasn't the end to my on-line dating. I started communicating with this C.O.. He had the nicest smile. I love a nice smile and nice teeth. His voice was deep like BarryWhite. Okay I'm real interested now. Let me cut to the chase. We meet for the first time at Barnes and Nobles. Okay a nice public place - cool. The conversation was good. I we had things in common. Okay second date if you call B&N a first date (I didn't). We were suppose to go to a movie, but he wanted to look in a store first. Okay no problem the clothes store was right in the same shopping mall as the movie theater. He decided he doesn't want to go to the movie, okay not big deal - let's grab a bite to eat. We go to Applebees right in in the same mall. This dude was so picky about everything, from where we sat to how the food was cooked and how much the check was for. Now being that it was our first time breaking bread together I didn't go buck wild with ordering (how could you on applebees menu), but let's be real - we ordered 2 appetizers to share - how much could all of that come to? And to top it off I offered to pay the tip and he was like SURE. It gets worse. We go out a third time to Boulder Creek. We are sitting at the bar. Again we only order appetizer ( wasn't about to order anything I wasn't willing to pay for myself). So the conversation was going okay. By this time I was doing more listening and watching cause my "radar" was signaling something ain't right. He kept trying to put his hand on my leg and rub my thigh. Wrong move. I just met him and I was keeping that personal perimeter of at least 1 foot between us. So it was obvious when he was trying. He finally tired to turn my bar stool to face more directly and in doing so this jerk pulls my jacket to turn me. As he moves his hand away he brushes his right hand across my left breast. YUCK (it still gives me the chills now when I think about it). VIOLATION. Then this jerk had the nerve to laugh - that's when I knew without a doubt he meant to do it. I asked him what was wrong with him and did he really think I was going to be okay with what he did. He just laughed and said "what, what's wrong?' He knew - asshole!!!!! And to top it off he sat there when the bill came. I ended up paying the $17 bill cause all I wanted at the point was to get as far away form him as possible. I didn't feel threatened just creeped out.

so needless to say that is the extent to my online dating experiences. No more for me. Shoot I think I'm going to have to start asking for references.

TGIF

Friday night
I am feeling a little tipsy. I was out with my girls 1 and 2 and Butta. It was a good end to a rough work week. I needed a drink. We went to this local spot for few. It was full of Saltines. No problem I was going to have a good time no matter what. I couldn't believe who I saw there "Tales from the Crypt Toes". It this guy who thinks he is so the "man" - Not. Crypt Toes and I used to work together back in the day. He is as corny now as he was then. He was tore-up when we got there and it was only 6:30. Some people will never learn. He still looked the same and his game was still the same - wack. Oh well. I was having a good time with my girls, laughing and people watching. Saltines just socialize different from us. They like to stand around and talk and drink until they don't realize they look silly. I'm glad I know my limit - and I went over it tonight - so what I wasn't driving for a change. I got my drink on.

When will he get the HINT!!!!!!!!!

I know there are many of you out there who can relate. A few years back I was somewhat dealing with this guy "Youngin" and it was all good. We would hang here and there, have some drinks, have sex every now and then - you know all good. At first I was like, " Phoenix girl don't even waste your time." But it had been awhile since I had some and I thought Youngin could hang. He seemed like he was with it cause he was always up in my face, flirting and trying to press up on me. He didn't seemed bothered by the age difference - about 8 years - I know I wasn't. So I was like fine, I kick it and see what happens. WRONG idea.

Youngin was handling his business for a little while, but then things began to go awry. He would call and say he was coming over and not show up. He would say stupid, just dumb shit. And then he started treating me like I was his momma, asking for money and shit - WRONG. He lost his mind there - I ain't no man's MOMMA! He wanted me to cook, give him money and cater to him. He must have gotten me confused with some of his chickenhead PJ girls he knew - but I was not the one. I set his ass straight real fast.

Of course, he apologized and said he wouldn't act like that anymore. Yeah okay right. It was just a matter of time before Youngin started to act dumb again. But this time he went over the edge. This fool got himself into a car accident and hit a tree. Totaled his car and broke his upper leg in 2 places. To top it off, the reason he had the accident was cause he was running from the cops with a suspended license and a large amount of weed on him. Dummy! So Youngin ends up in the hospital (needing surgery on his leg) handcuffed to the hospital bed. This is the part that gets unbelievable - he had his sister (whom I never met before) call me saying that he may die and he wants to see me. Well I wasn't going to deny someone their dying wish, plus I ain't mean like that. I go and visit with Youngin in the hospital, trying to be a good person and friend. Now I visited him several times and ain't seen (or heard) no other friends come through. Go figure that? So when his ass get out the hospital (he is now staying with his momma), I call to say hi and how is his physical therapy going. This Nuckka (yes I sorry to have to use that word but damn he turned into one) tried to flip on me cause he had his sorry ass friends over. What I want to know is where were they when his ass was up in the hospital for a month? He said I was interrupting him and he didn't have time. Alrighty - you only have to tell me once. That was the end of my involvement with Youngin. I was just trying to be nice - but if you know me (which he obviously didn't) Do Not Take My Kindness for WEAKNESS!

I was done with Youngin, but I guess he wasn't done with me. He must have come to his senses or something cause ..... He KEEPS CALLING ME. Why? He has now reverted to texting me since I won't answer his calls. Are guys that thick or is it just him. If someone you have been calling and texting doesn't answer you and it's been 2 years, don't you think that they don't want to talk to you?

When will Youngin get the hint? And the beat goes on..... what next is he going to send smoke signals? Stupid Ass.

This damn thing

My boy Slish told me I should try this blog thing. He thought I had stuff to say. I donno, we'll see. I mean I do got stuff to say but putting it out there in the universe I'm not sure about. I mean you hear about folks blogging and stuff but I never in a million years thought I'd become one of those people. I just need to take a few and get over it....